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Come On In My Kitchen (part five)

March 2, 2011

[This was Delroy’s message.]

Scrap, my old manpal. You’ll’ve seen that I couldn’t make it. Did that lady tell it you on the phone like I asked her to? I’ve had a bloody real do. I’m just there having a nod on the train – then I wake up because there’s a load of youngsters having their fun down at the arse end of the carriage, you know, listening to music and stabbing each other with fountain pens [they did it in rhythm, at the end of every stanza] and no I don’t think there’s anything wrong with society, I think they’re absolutely wonderful. But I’ve tried to get up and the old tail’s trapped between the seats. Well you can imagine – no I’ll save you the graft of it, I’ll tell you straight that I screamed like a bastard. I think the kiddies were starting to get wind of the situation. There’s this young madame sitting next to me, a bit of alright, and she goes to tell the conductor. I’m sat there thinking about just chopping all the seats up so I can get away, or if I can bend down far enough to just bite my way out, but then there were transport police having a look through the window and if I’m ever going to get apprehended by Her Majesty’s finest it’ll be for having a much nicer time than eating half a sodding train seat.

[Here Delroy began to sing a few verses of a song, in the northern music hall style.]

Bloody nora. So in comes the christlike conductor with the gang of little scrotes behind him, tells me that he can get me out but I’ll have to undergo a few indignities. I told him that I’d undergo no such thing and that I’d I stay exactly where I was thank you very much. I says to him I’m terribly sorry mate but you’ve fuck all sense of decorum.

[As Delroy finished the last sentence a mechanized lady’s voice speaking a strange relation of the English language could be heard explaining to the miseryguts passengers that “the train is not currently moving at this time”. Delroy, gallant, paused to let her finish.]

So to cut a long story short – shut up you sad wazzock – I’ve been captured here for donkey’s and I’m not going to be turning up at your do any time soon. Pass on my apologies to her majesty Mrs. Nosebridge. I was planning on giving her the benefit of my experience tonight if you know what I mean.

[That was Delroy all over, that was.]

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